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Stupidly... tight... jeans!

Disclaimer: I own nothing but this computer. All recognizable Glee characters belong to Messrs. Brennan, Falchuck, Ryan, et al.

I really think Marc’s latest collection is his best, not that anyone here would even know any of his previous work. Ah well, that’s what comes of living in a hick town in the asscrack of nowhere. Hah, I’ve got to stop watching Bourdain.

It’s another Monday and what do I have first – how could I forget… Pre-Calculus. Dear Prada, why do I need this when I’ll be at NYADA wowing all the Crawford wannabes toiling in my wake, uh!

Just as I slam my locker shut – after making sure my hair is still its gorgeous perfection and removing the huge textbook – I turn to see a couple of my Glee boys gathered at the end of the hallway. What are they up to so early on a Monday, hmmm?

I make my way towards them, making sure that none of the cattle brush against me to disturb the fabulous fit of my new Jacobs pistachio semi-cropped jacket. I see some of the fashion-challenged horde staring at me as I pass but I simply tilt my chin up and ignore them. I’m just too curious about what Finn and Sam are talking about so intently that they don’t see me approach until I’m a few feet from them.

Sam was listening at first but now he’s replying to Finn and he looks kinda angry at whatever he’d just heard. He’s saying something that Finn clearly doesn’t like but suddenly they look up and see me.

Whoa! What the ____? Is Finn checking me out? No!

My forward momentum falters and I slow down my approach and I’m sure I’m going to need Botox soon with all the frowning my eyebrows are doing without my permission, dammit! I just can’t believe he just swept his eyes quickly from my new steel-gray Belstaff boots all the way up to my face, good Gaga!

Sam isn’t much better and that predatory light in his eyes is something I’d expect from Puck more than him. What’s with these boys today; maybe it’s something in the water, but no, we’ve just got to school. Hmmm, I’ve got to check this out.

I finally get closer to them and I know I must look a little intimidating by this because Finn has that nervous, slightly constipated look and Sam is blushing and looking around as if he wants to escape.

“Okay, spill! What are you two planning? It must be something; why else would you both look so guilty.”

Finn rubs the back of his head and I swear his eyes just dipped to my jeans again. Oh no, please tell me he isn’t going to lecture me for the millionth time that they’re too tight. I swear, if he comments on my clothes one more time, I’ll threaten him with a makeover… and I’ll mean it!

Sam jumps in first with a half-assed explanation and a sickly grin. “Heh-heh, we’re not planning anything, Kurt! Finn just asked about me hanging with you, that’s all.”

I cross my arms, hugging the huge tome to my chest and stare at the two idiots before me. I hope my silly stepbrother isn’t going to pull the big bro card again when I’m actually a few months older than him, the nut.

Before I can light into him, however, a warm body plasters itself to my back, a muscular arm slides around my waist and the faint scent of boy and body spray wafts over me. I go to jerk away when a husky voice whispers directly into my ear: “If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?”

I couldn’t help it; I burst out into a bray of laughter that caught Finn and Sam by surprise. I guess they’d expected me to go ballistic because Puck was touching me but that line was so incredibly corny, I couldn’t help it. I spun around and away from the mohawked jock, still trying to stifle my chuckles.

“Shades of McQueen, Noah, that has to be one of the oldest lines in the book!” I stared into his smiling face, noticing for the first time the odd coloring of his eyes. They were what some would call hazel but I think they’re more smoky topaz, kinda grey yet light brown in some lights.

He’s staring at me now with the same look I usually see on his face when he’s hot for one of the cheerleaders. I know I’m frowning again because I don’t know why that look would be directed at me. He smiles now and asks: “These punks giving you a hard time? Let me know and I’ll be your body-guard.”

By this time Finn is frowning as if he really wants to punch out Puck but he used to be his best friend so he probably shouldn’t and Sam is getting redder and has one hand on my elbow. I glance down at it and then back up at Sam who is staring at Puck as if he thinks lasers will come out of his eyes.

Puck, badass that he is (an attitude I’ve secretly admired) simply ignores them, and continues to stare at me in a way that is making my face hot. I take a shaky breath because my brain is trying to tell me something here but I don’t want to believe it.

Puck likes me!?!

I think I must have shaken my head because a slightly disappointed look comes into the topaz eyes and then he smirks quickly and shrugs.

“Well, okay then, I’d say see you in class but I don’t do the class thing. Later!” He flicks his eyes at Sam and Finn as he turns away, his broad shoulders stretching the red and yellow of his letter man jacket.

We watch him walk away in silence for a couple of seconds before Finn huffs out: “I don’t want you to go anywhere near him, okay?”

I stare at him in horror; as my best girl would say – hell, to the naw! He did not just tell me, Kurt Elizabeth Hummel, what to do!

Sam flinches as I haul my elbow out of his grasp. Contrary to the extreme decibel level they were probably expecting from my demeanour of righteous indignation, my words come out quiet and cold.

“Excuse … me?”

They both gulp and I swear Finn took a small step back, or maybe he just straightened away from me. Whatever he did, he looked as if he was shrinking and then as if he didn’t know what to say. I turned my freezing stare to Sam who had yet to say anything.

“Explain, please. Enlighten me if you can.” I start to tap my foot, a sure sign that, even if the bell rang for first period, I did not intend to let them loose until I’d had a satisfactory answer for their behaviour.

Unexpectedly, Sam begins to grin at me, his full pink lips stretched wide and his eyes twinkling. “You know, you totally look like that velociraptor in Jurassic Park, dude. That tapping thing you’re doing, y’know.”

I feel my eyes widen; is this boy for real? Here I am, pulling my best Wintour icy glare and he’s referring to a movie? I close my eyes and pinch my nose bridge, Karl help me. I open them to glare at the grinning blond twit.

“Focus, Samuel! What are you two up to?!”

Finn, forgetting to flinch as he straightens, frowns down at me, an unhappy look to his mouth. “Kurt, I-I don’t, uh, think you … maybe you shouldn’t wearthosetightjeansanymore.”


I wait and I swear I can hear crickets and Sam is looking at my stepbrother with the same expression I feel is on my face – total incredulity.

I’ve deciphered the last part of Finn’s gibberish and now, unfortunately, I can feel heat in my cheeks. I close my eyes, feeling mortified and then, thank Anna, I feel my anger coming to the rescue.


I can see and hear doors opening up and down the hallway and a few people are poking their heads out to see what the commotion is about. Just as I’m preparing a head of steam to blast the stupid, bigoted asshole in front of me, I feel a hand on my arm. I spin around and yell ‘what!’ again, but it’s only Mercedes.

She begins to tug me away. “Come, boo, we’re gonna be late for class.”

I throw one last fulminating glare at the asshole flailing speechless behind me and I don’t even care that Sam is standing there with his trouty-mouth wide open. I had enjoyed hanging with him on the weekend but that’s it! Boys are such idiots, I growl as I stomp after my best friend.

I can feel tears beginning to prick and I know if I give in my face is going to go all blotchy and stupid-looking. I dash the few tears away that had escaped and entered the girls’ restroom, ’Cedes holding the door.

“Alright, we only have a couple of minutes before the bell. What was that out there?” She folded her arms and waited while I wet a couple of paper towels, folded them and placed them to my face to cool down.

I finally heave a sigh and then glare at her reflection, my eyes flicking back to my face every now and then to see if my colour had gone down.

“I don’t even know, ’Cedes. Boys are just idiots, y’know?” I huff a little and feel myself calming down. “Okay, first, when I got my book from the locker, I saw Finn and Sam arguing at the end of the hallway and I wanted to know what they were going on about. I came up to them and asked them but then Puck came up and started flirting with me…”

“PUCK?” Her eyes were wide with a combination of disbelief and annoyance, I think. I shrugged and nodded.

“Yeah, I was surprised too. As far as I know, our very own sex shark is straight. Well, anyway, he did his flirty thing, I joked it off and when he left, Finn, FINN! said maybe I shouldn’t wear such tight jeans!”

I knew I was yelling again but as much as I pretend that things don’t get to me, I hate to be criticized and to think that homophobic jackass had the gall to… to… t-tell me wh-what I should w-wear…ugh. Shit, I’m so mad I’m even stuttering in my own damn mind!

I look at myself in the mirror while ’Cedes stands quietly, nodding with her arms wrapped around her waist. I just adore my new Marc Jacobs jacket with its unusual pale pistachio colour and military cut. The semi-cropped top stops just below the waist of my pin-striped grey jeans. I don’t see anything wrong with my clothes, the – the idiot!

“Uhm, Kurt, do you have a full-length mirror in your walk-in closet? I can’t remember,” her voice sounds a little tentative and I frown slightly at her in the mirror. What is she on about? I nod and ask as much.

She smiles slightly, an odd little glint in her eye. “Baby boy, you’re not a little kid anymore.” And she nods as if I should understand what I’m getting at. I know, of course, that I’m not a kid anymore – I’m 18 this year. Senior, remember?!

“Mercedes Jones, what are you talking about? Just give it to me straight, I’m too upset for all the cryptic stuff right now.” I widen my eyes at her while I try to fix the hair that had fallen out of its proper place and flopped onto my forehead. I let out a sigh as I didn’t have my fave hairspray with me; it was in my locker and I just didn’t have time before class began to go and get it.

“Kurt, sweetie. Turn around!” I looked up shocked at her sudden near-shout. I do as she said and spin around, my mouth gaping. She doesn’t give me a chance to say anything; she just grabs my arms, up near my shoulders, and tries to shake me. Not much luck there; I really have grown and I’m a lot taller than she is now.

“Boy, you’ve got to understand! There are a lot of hormonal teenage boys in this place and, though I hate to agree with anything that comes out of your stepbrother’s mouth, those jeans are really, damn tight!”

“Wh-what do my jeans have to do with them? I don’t tell any of them what to wear – although they could all use a makeover. And what’s with those stupid letterman jackets, anyway. You’d think they think it’s hot or something.”

“Focus, Kurt!” Her shout jerks my attention back to her from my rant and I stare at her, shocked. She’s not smiling now but as she calms down, a soft little look comes in her eye and I’m sure it’s pity. I don’t think I like that look any better than the one before.

“Sweetie,” then she drops her head and whispers to herself ‘oh, god, I’m really going to have to say this,’ and then she raises her head to look me straight in the eye. “White boy, you are one of the hottest things to come through the doors of William McKinley High School in a long time. No, don’t say anything,” as she raises a hand to stop my horrified stuttering. “No, just believe me, okay? I’d never steer you wrong.”

She steps back and crosses her arm beneath her bosom again. “Boy, you have no idea what all is going on behind you when you walk down a hallway in those designer outfits you’d sell your soul for. And as to the front, lord. I swear, half the time you have people walking into lockers or tripping, and you just stick that nose up in the air, oblivious as ever.”

She shakes her head as she chuckles, turning to the door just as the bell goes off for first period. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or stop wearing those seriously hot outfits, but you’ve got to own it, boo. Accept the fact that you don’t look like an 11-year-old milkmaid anymore. Now, come on, we’re gonna be late for Pre-Calc,” and she pushes the door and she’s gone.

I turn back to the mirror, noting absently that my eyes are still wide and my mouth is still slightly open from when I was about to interrupt her. Her words are buzzing around in my head. The colour starts to flood my face again as little things come back to me: Finn blushing and stammering whenever I talk to him directly, Sam checking me out in the locker room after practice and Puck, Noah, oh my god, that hot body pressed up to mine just a few minutes ago…

I start to smile now as it all starts to sink in. My heart beat starts to speed up even as I shake my head, a little disbelief still lingering and making me question my sanity and ’Cedes’ as well. Me, hot, that’s not a word I’d normally associate with the Kurt Hummel in my mind. Fabulous, yes; who wouldn’t be in the gorgeous designer outfits?

Oh my Gaga, I start to grin like a madman and it’s only when the second warning bell goes that I realize I’m still standing, staring at myself in a mirror in the girls’ restroom. All that ’Cedes said comes flooding back and suddenly, a new feeling, maybe it’s pride, comes welling up and I feel my chin go up and my shoulders go back. I take up my book and shoulder bag, straighten everything and then turn towards the door.

Okay, Mercedes Jones, I’m going to own this. I’m going to see where this hotness takes me… and who knows, I might get a hot boyfriend after all this.

I strut out into the hallways and, just in case anyone is still watching, I make sure to put an extra little sway in my steps. Hmmm, after this morning’s enlightening conversations, maybe this will really work for me – these stupidly… tight… jeans!


A/N: I hadn’t really planned on doing Kurt’s POV when I began this little experiment but this kid just wouldn’t go away so now I need your help to figure out with whom he has the greatest chemistry. Drop me a line, folks, and tell me who you think he should get busy with.